The Aardvark’s Tongue

For formal occasions when a tuxedo, or kilt with Prince Charles jacket are called for, a man needs a good bow-tie – one that set’s him apart from the crowd without coming off like a pipe smoking, tweed sporting professor of theoretical economic navel gazing. Sure you could go with the standard black silk variety (if you could actually figure out how to tie the damm thing) but its so…normal.

What a dashing man about town needs to set the tone for the evening is a Cane-Toad Bow-Tie. We ordered ours today from Crocodile Australia.

The Cane Toad (bufo marinus) was first introduced into Australia from Hawaii in 1935. It was hailed as the cure to the ravages of the dreadful sugar cane beetle. Unfortunately like many guests, it has long overstayed its welcome and has since become a pest. That’s why we encourage you to put your fashion sense to good use – buy a Cane-Toad Bow-Tie and help wipe out this pesky amphibian.

While most items in our book are from our imagination, the Stranger than Aardvar Fictions items are 100% real. Crazy no?

You have to be “tough down under” to make a bottle opener from your scrotum. Apparently Australians are tough.

Ripped straight from the loins of a mature Kangaroo, the manufacturer of this fine article assures us that the Kangaroo-Scrotum Bottle-Opener is “the perfect bar accessory for anyone who likes to impress their mates with their toys.”

I’m not too sure how comfortable I am in using the words “impress their mates with their toys” and “scrotum” in the same sentence. - Bob

According to this report by the BBC if you happen to be in Kano Nigeria, why go to the store when you can get everything from tupperware to dried monkey skulls direct from your local hawker.

The pharmacist pictured here will eagerly provide you with any range of dried animal parts:

• Vulture Heads - he’s got em.
• Dried Elephant Dung - he advises that you feed it to your breast feeding babies (we have no idea why).
• And or favorite: Dried-Aardvark-Tail which is apparently a cure to madness.

It makes sense. The Aardvark’s tail is the cure to the madness of the Aardvark’s Tongue.

The Deer-Rectum Door-Ringer.

I don’t suppose there’s any mystery about what sound the doorbell makes.

Hey, pull my finger!

CNN’s Glenn Beck and Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) rail against the potential endangered status of Polar Bears in this great clip over at Think Progress.

They eat people! For the love of Pete, they’re big, angry bears. They eat people. Not that I say we go out and kill all of them, but I mean, it doesn’t seem to be a problem here. Senator, I can’t take the — I can’t take the lies anymore.

Now we enjoy a good joke at the expense of endangered species as much as anyone (or more than most people actually). It’s a shame that this isn’t a joke.

And we thought some items only lived in our imaginations, like the Flying-Squirrel Trap-Shoot-Kit. Apparently we were wrong. Very very wrong:

The Bully Bag. Now here’s an item that you would think was torn straight from the pages of Sun-Dried Aardvark-Tongue Swizzle-Sticks (except for the fact of course that it’s real - and the write-up on the sellers website isn’t nearly up to our creative writing standards).

As entertaining as it might be to have a polyethylene coated Bull’s Scrotum filled with nuts on your table, might we suggest that you just pick up the book instead (yes yes we know, shameless self promotion).

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