The Aardvark’s Tongue

The Deer-Rectum Door-Ringer.

I don’t suppose there’s any mystery about what sound the doorbell makes.

Hey, pull my finger!

If one’s environmental record can be measured in high-fives, then this 1990 version by EPA Administrator William K. Reilly and Gaylord Nelson pretty much tells the story.

In 1970 a reported 20 million people celebrated the first Earth Day and Richard Nixon created the EPA to protect the environment and the public health. Only days ago, 38 years after the first Earth Day, President Bush committed to a national goal of halting the growth of U.S. carbon emissions by 2025. Now that’s progress! Gimme a high-five.

CNN’s Glenn Beck and Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) rail against the potential endangered status of Polar Bears in this great clip over at Think Progress.

They eat people! For the love of Pete, they’re big, angry bears. They eat people. Not that I say we go out and kill all of them, but I mean, it doesn’t seem to be a problem here. Senator, I can’t take the — I can’t take the lies anymore.

Now we enjoy a good joke at the expense of endangered species as much as anyone (or more than most people actually). It’s a shame that this isn’t a joke.

The top 5

You voted (we voted too) and based on the items described in Sun-Dried Aardvark-Tongue Swizzle-Sticks these are the favorite five descriptions of products made from endangered species.

• Patagonian-Hedge-Hog Soap-Holder
  • Great for traveling on the high seas.
  • Stops soap from sliding or shifting in the bath.
• Twin-Toucan-Bill Viking-Party-Helmet
  • Holds twice the beer - without the mess of cans.
  • Provides twice the fun - without spilling a drop.
• Yawning-Hippo Stereo-Speakers
  • Forget sleep and rock the jungle.
  • As if carcasses of endangered species weren’t enough to annoy your neighbors, now you can add volume too.
• Box-Turtle Poop-Scoop
  • Offending feces are sealed inside.
  • Can be left where you scoop and no one will be the wiser (at least not immediately).
• Hawksbill-Turtle Bidet with Hyena-Penis Water-Dispenser
  • Sand and sea meld beautifully in this handy bathroom fixture.
  • A must for the modern hunting lodge.

Get full details at the book’s website.

This week’s installment of the free weekly book excerpt features the Spotted-Owl Duster-Sticks.

If you are as finicky about domestic hygiene as we are then you will be happy that you spied these handy Spotted-Owl Duster-Sticks. Tey are a home help rarity that makes household dust an endangered species. Spotted Owls are majestic birds that hail from the forests of the U.S. Pacific Northwest. In areas that have nesting pairs, land-owners are sometimes forced to leave up to 70 acres of land untouched for their habitat. Interestingly, we have found that many ranchers are more than happy to let us discretely harvest the birds to help make way for more economic use of their under utilized forested land. Each duster stick is hand fashioned from an individual bird. By purchasing a Spotted-Owl Duster-Stick, you’re helping keep our forest economy alive.

Be sure to sign up for the newsletter so you can get the excerpt delivered directly to your in-box every week.

To tired to read? Listen to the Podcast.