The Aardvark’s Tongue

North-American-Bison-Horn Towel-Racks.
Add a touch of the great outdoors to your bathroom with these beautiful North-American-Bison-Horn Towel-Racks. At one time nearly 60 Million bison roamed the plains of North America. Today there are still plenty left with upwards of 30,000 head. Male and female bison produce impressive horns curving outward and up from their massive heads, perfect for holding large fluffy bath towels. In the tradition of the plains Indians, we waste nothing when we take the life of such a majestic animal. Once the horns are removed, the rest of this impressive beast is then carefully transported to the abattoir where it is converted to glue (See Bison Binder). As an option we are also offering the Bison-Horn-Mounting-Kit for the hood of a 1970’s Cadillac).

Listen to the Podcast of this newsletter.

The perfect gift for this hunter? A groundhog.

For several weeks the dogs have been terrorizing a groundhog that has taken roost under our storage unit. Each morning they lurch out of the building, squealing like stuck pigs as they dash off to check on their prey and each day they come up empty handed (although they have managed several mouthfuls of groundhog fur). Each dog on its own is a good hunter .Yuki alone has managed to deplete an entire neighborhood of cats - including my mother’s (Hallmark doesn’t make a card for that). Amazingly however when they hunt together they are completely ineffective. They have managed to get and loose their target at least 15 times.

Clearly somebody needs to be put out of their misery. While we are not too worried about the groundhog, we would like to avoid any vet bills due to groundhog bites so we have set out a live trap. So far we have managed to catch a possum, a neighbor’s cat, and today a raccoon.

Interestingly none of these have ever made it into our Aardvark-Tongue field guide. That’s something that we will remedy in volume II.

For formal occasions when a tuxedo, or kilt with Prince Charles jacket are called for, a man needs a good bow-tie – one that set’s him apart from the crowd without coming off like a pipe smoking, tweed sporting professor of theoretical economic navel gazing. Sure you could go with the standard black silk variety (if you could actually figure out how to tie the damm thing) but its so…normal.

What a dashing man about town needs to set the tone for the evening is a Cane-Toad Bow-Tie. We ordered ours today from Crocodile Australia.

The Cane Toad (bufo marinus) was first introduced into Australia from Hawaii in 1935. It was hailed as the cure to the ravages of the dreadful sugar cane beetle. Unfortunately like many guests, it has long overstayed its welcome and has since become a pest. That’s why we encourage you to put your fashion sense to good use – buy a Cane-Toad Bow-Tie and help wipe out this pesky amphibian.

While most items in our book are from our imagination, the Stranger than Aardvar Fictions items are 100% real. Crazy no?

So here’s a little news item. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is considering re-listing the Pygmy Owl as an endangered species in Arizona. The bird was first listed in 1997 and subsequently delisted in 2006.

Now there’s probably no rush since there are nearly 30 birds still in existence, down from 41 birds in 1999. Clearly if there are 41 birds it can’t be endangered so good thing they took it off the list. But now, with less than 30 birds the agency is going to conduct a one year status review, at the conclusion of which they will determine whether or not to re-list the bird. No word on how long that determination will take but it looks as if the annual loss rate is about 1.2 birds per year so they can probably delay making a decision for at least 25 years of so. Unless of course only males or females are dying off in which case you would have to half the time period but that still leaves 12 years to get it right.

Well I guess that about says it all, if we have 12 years to make a decision then the birds can’t be critically endangered can they?

While we do like having a blog and hope that people will actually stop by and read it, the whole social media scene is starting to feel a bit force-fed for our tastes. Social media should be about what feels normal and natural (because it’s social after all). But now with businesses and marketers spending big bucks to pry their way in and people going out of their way to socialize themselves online it’s getting to be a bit much. That’s why we were thrilled with this new service: Anti-SocialMedia.

Not only do they have a dead bird as their mascot (which is right up our alley) the service they provide accomplishes everything we could hope a social media site would do in only one or two clicks. Wander on over and . You will surely thank us.

This Friday, May16th we can proudly celebrate Endangered Species Day and all that
we have to done to create an environment where animals and rare species are cherished and protected. Amazingly the U.S. government yesterday declared the polar bear and endangered species and acknowledged that climate change is indeed destroying its habitat.

So, have a beer, read up and donate a buck or two to celebrate.

You have to be “tough down under” to make a bottle opener from your scrotum. Apparently Australians are tough.

Ripped straight from the loins of a mature Kangaroo, the manufacturer of this fine article assures us that the Kangaroo-Scrotum Bottle-Opener is “the perfect bar accessory for anyone who likes to impress their mates with their toys.”

I’m not too sure how comfortable I am in using the words “impress their mates with their toys” and “scrotum” in the same sentence. - Bob

According to this report by the BBC if you happen to be in Kano Nigeria, why go to the store when you can get everything from tupperware to dried monkey skulls direct from your local hawker.

The pharmacist pictured here will eagerly provide you with any range of dried animal parts:

• Vulture Heads - he’s got em.
• Dried Elephant Dung - he advises that you feed it to your breast feeding babies (we have no idea why).
• And or favorite: Dried-Aardvark-Tail which is apparently a cure to madness.

It makes sense. The Aardvark’s tail is the cure to the madness of the Aardvark’s Tongue.

The Deer-Rectum Door-Ringer.

I don’t suppose there’s any mystery about what sound the doorbell makes.

Hey, pull my finger!

If one’s environmental record can be measured in high-fives, then this 1990 version by EPA Administrator William K. Reilly and Gaylord Nelson pretty much tells the story.

In 1970 a reported 20 million people celebrated the first Earth Day and Richard Nixon created the EPA to protect the environment and the public health. Only days ago, 38 years after the first Earth Day, President Bush committed to a national goal of halting the growth of U.S. carbon emissions by 2025. Now that’s progress! Gimme a high-five.